10 Most Bizarre Religious Book Titles

ATTENTION

This post includes religious content. What you are about to read contains explicit language, perhaps an unwelcome opinion and may not be suitable for an audience who takes religion far too seriously. In short: I have a thing or two to say so if you are religious and easily offended you´re welcome to leave in silence. You are not welcome to pray for me, though. 

 

Religion – What a touchy subject. People, pro religion and anti religion, are so opinionated and most will stop at nothing to try to convince the other of their truth. The truth is, though – We all just have to wait until we die to find out what the exact truth is.

In the meantime, Christians ( and other religions ) have done their best to “spread the word of God”. Although I´m an atheist I do ( despite popular belief ) respect religion. What I can´t respect are the book covers and titles for these religious books.

To say these gems are absurd would be an understatement.

 


 

#1  `Anyone Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice` – Lorraine Peterson

anyone can be cool

First Thought:    Oh for Christ´s sake.

Let´s Talk:    Here´s a quick life lesson: You become your own special type of cool and awesome when you´re older. In the meantime, read a science book.

 

 

 

#2    `Mommy Drinks Because You´re Bad` –  ?

mommy drinks because you´re bad

First Thought:    No. Mommy drinks to survive the day preserve her beauty.

Let´s Talk:   ( preparing a drink for myself ) Aside from the EXTREME high pedagogical value the title has- I´d say this book/booklet deserves to be bashed and the person who wrote this “Quality religious book for children” deserves to be tarred and feathered.

 

 

#3  `God´s Masturbation Solution`– Rev. M. L.  Brown D. D.,  D. C. L

god´s masterbation solution

First Thought:    There´s a solution?!

Let´s Talk:    Okay. Say you don´t like masturbation, or even the thought of it. Fine. But this book makes hands on hanky panky sound like a sin. Or, maybe God is sitting up on a cloud looking down at Egor thinking

“Okay, fine. If you can´t stop then I´ll give you some pointers on how to masturbate the catholic way.”

Perhaps God´s like: “You´re all doing it wrong! Left hand, people Left HAND.”

Or wait! I have another one!

I bet God´s advice would be to sit on your hand until it´s numb then start masturbating. That way, it´ll feel like you´re not touching yourself. Cheat the system, bro!

 

 

 

#4   `Helping The Retarded To Know God`

–  Hans R. Hahn

Helping the retarded to Know God

First Thought:  Fucking hell….

Let´s Talk:    Okay. I have my limits and they´ve just been reached. I had to check for publication date for this gem because I was positive no one in their right mind, not even the hardcore Christians, would be politically incorrect. Sure enough – Published 1969. All jokes aside… This is one of the reasons why I don´t like religion. I couldn´t really care less about the political correctness of the title… It´s more the fact that something like this exists in general.

 

 

 

#5    `Jogging With Jesus` –  C. S. Lovett

jogging with Jesus

First Thought:    Jesus doesn´t have to go everywhere with you.

Let´s Talk:    A life with Jesus can give comfort. A daily jog with Jesus can give you more comfort. I don´t jog, so I wouldn´t know.

 

 

 

#6    `Jesus Calling` –  Sarah Young

Jesus Calling 2

First Thought:   Don´t pick up!!

Let´s Talk:    It seems harmless, right? More the reason to dig deeper. 🙂 From my understanding the author claims to have received messages from Jesus and has written down what HE had said to her. She´s the “mouthpiece” so to speak. I don´t know about you but I find people who claim that ANY voice ( one that doesn´t belong to a solid form ) has spoken to them creepy as fuck. I swear, this makes Carol Anne from the 1982 Poltergeist movie seem less creepier.

 

 

 

 

#7     `Religious Gals Can Play Naughty Too!! `

–  Jamie M. Jones

Religious girls can

First Thought:  There was never a doubt in my mind * wink *

Let´s Talk:    I´m not sure if this was written for hopeful religious men or if it´s supposed to act as an invitation for non religious men. The “No Jezebel Here” made me laugh, though. That gives this whole weird thing a nice touch. What does the author consider to be naughty? Socks on? Socks off? Bra off? Lights on? Do I want to know?

 

 

 

#8    `The Beginner´s Guide To Sex In The Afterlife`

– David Staume

Sex

First Thought:   PRAISE THE LORD

Let´s Talk:   And all of the sudden religion doesn´t sound too bad ( just kidding ). I hope this is true. Would hate to miss out, you know?

Hold on a second…. With who would I be having sex with after life? Please don´t tell me I´d have to deal with afterlife dating, as well? Where´s the `Dating In The Afterlife` book? Is there an afterlife Tinder? A Ghost Anonymous program I can visit in case of a sexual emergency? DAVID!!!!!

 

 

 

 

#9    `How Should Christians Vote?` –  Tony Evans

How Should Christians Vote

First Thought:    Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and you shake it all about….You do the Christian Voting and you turn yourself around. That´s what it´s all a-bout.

Let´s Talk:    This is by far the most idiotic thing I´ve seen in a long shot. The description reveals that Christians shouldn´t ask themselves for WHO they should vote for, but rather ” equip you with solid biblical principles that will challenge you to vote with a “kingdom perspective”- informed, compassionate, and aware of Who is really in charge. ” 

 

 

 

 

#10    `Weekend With Jesus` – Michael Edwin Q.

weekend with Jesus

First Thought:    Did he bring any wine? He better have wine….

Let´s Talk:    It says in the description that this book is written in Christianese. But the title does suggest a wild house party with Jesus. What am I missing here? And why can´t Jesus start wearing Bermuda shorts?

 


 

On A Friendly Side Note:

Although I am not a friend of religion ( at all ) I will not ignore that there are a few religions that actually do good for the world we live in. This post was meant to enlighten and not bash on a specific religion for their extreme and often unexplainable beliefs.

 

Many thanks for taking your time to read this post. I hope you enjoyed ❤

Have a wonderful day,

much love,

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Review- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Book Description

On a warm summer morning in North Carthage, Missouri, it is Nick and Amy Dunne’s fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and reservations are being made when Nick’s clever and beautiful wife disappears. Husband-of-the-Year Nick isn’t doing himself any favors with cringe-worthy daydreams about the slope and shape of his wife’s head, but passages from Amy’s diary reveal the alpha-girl perfectionist could have put anyone dangerously on edge. Under mounting pressure from the police and the media—as well as Amy’s fiercely doting parents—the town golden boy parades an endless series of lies, deceits, and inappropriate behavior. Nick is oddly evasive, and he’s definitely bitter—but is he really a killer?

My Thoughts

You know it´s a sad day when a book lover thinks the movie was better than the book.
I think this book and I didn´t have a great start to begin with. 
It all started when a good friend of mine gifted me `Gone Girl` by Gillian Flynn as a Christmas present. That alone is a tricky thing to do because I think gifting books is nice, but it gives me the chills. Especially when the person who gifts me a book says „ The lady at the bookstore said you might like it.“ If my friend doesn´t know what I like…then how would a stranger know what I like? * shaking head* To my friends credit…he´s a guy. I forgave him and thought the idea was still cute ( and still creepy).

It´s hard to say if I just didn´t enjoy this book or if I hated it. I´m a bit torn about the whole thing. First…it took me ages to get into the story. The first half of the book was slow and I found myself putting this book down more often than I would have wanted. The second half was a total clusterfuck. I was just as „ emotionally bent“ as the characters were ( God, that was mentioned so often in this book that I now dislike that term ).

Did I like the mystery in this book? No. Did I like the characters? Not really. Why?

I don´t know if it was the characters or their story in general… but I couldn´t understand this book. There was nothing I could relate to at all. There were some things that were mentioned where I understood Amy, but other than that….I disliked her and thought she was just a bored psycho. Nick, Amy´s husband, did nothing for me, either. I couldn´t sympathize with him at all. I didn´t see him as the good or bad guy. He was twisted in his own special way.

My biggest concern was: If a couple is happy on the outside, but can´t stand each other within their own four walls….then why not split up? Happens everyday….the characters should have tried it out.

As for the story…..Well, Amy disappears on their 5th anniversary into thin air and ….the main suspect becomes Nick. Did he really kill Amy or did Amy, the UBER PSYCHO/ WEIRDO / bored housewife ( who thought it would be funny to cause a shitstorm) want attention?

I have no clue because now I´m confused, but only because I don´t know why this story would be a book of the year.

The dual POV`s ( Amy´s POV came more from the diaries she wrote before ) confused me and when I finally „ got it“ I didn´t like it.

The end was…..dull. I expected a huge firework ending to make up for the crappy story. That did not happen. After the last page I couldn´t believe I spent my time reading this book.

The only thing I really liked was the writing style. But that didn´t make up for the rest.

On a positive note- I did like the movie a tad bit better. I thought Ben Affleck nailed Nick 🙂 

`Gone Girl` is a typical love or hate book. You´ll either think it´s brilliant or you´ll be as aggravated as I am.

The Cover- 4 stars ( I like the cover alot.)

The Story – 2 stars ( what a royal clusterfuck.)

The Characters- 2 stars ( Seriously, both deserved each other. Such nut-jobs)

My emotional state after finishing this read- I´m just going to repeat my statement above about it being a sad day when a book lover thinks the movie was better. That should sum it up.

I´m giving `Gone Girl` by Gillian Flynn 2 out of 5 stars.

 

 

Dead In Bed ( Book #1 ) – Bailey Simms ( Wattpad )

Book Description

You’ve never, ever read a book like this.

When a sexually-transmitted plague breaks out in Ashley Young’s small town, leaving its victims with a bizarrely amplified libido, everything about her life changes.

DEAD IN BED is partly a suspense thriller with a strikingly unique story, partly a page-turning mystery about a disease that makes people hopelessly crave sexual contact, and partly a neo-western adventure in the American heartland.

For readers who can handle a smart, controversial female protagonist who’s willing to do anything — no matter how difficult or morally questionable — in order to survive, the series pulls them in like an unshakeable addiction. . . .

Bailey Simms, teen author of DEAD IN BED, is stuck at home with a rare medical condition. Writing is her only escape, so she’s determined to keep her salacious series hidden from her strict father. Soon an older boy starts to secretly help her, and Bailey finds new opportunities for freedom she’s never had. But as DEAD IN BED grows in popularity, and Bailey’s fans start to clamor for the sequel, she learns that being a successful Wattpad author may come with a terrifyingly dangerous price.

IMPORTANT NOTE

It has been taken under consideration that this might be the authors first approach at writing. No words from my side are meant to be harmful for the writer.

My Thoughts

The description didn´t lie. NEVER have I read anything like `Dead In Bed`, by Bailey Simms / Adrian Birch, before. It´s also most definitely unique. Not strikingly unique, but definitely… different. 

It´s obivous the writer is Adrian Birch and he´s not bad at writing stories about girls who write stories. For me- that little fact is the only excitement I got from any of this. The rest was just me trying to fight own my coca cola and keeping my blood pressure at bay.

When I read the book description I knew `Dead In Bed` was going to be a total wacko read. The title alone doesn´t send off a romantic vibe.  What I didn´t know was how off the charts weird it would be.

As an avid reader I´ve read my fair share of stories from all corners of a bookstore. Sci-Fi, Paranormal, Romance, Erotica, Young / New Adult, Fantasy are apart of my world. Fairies, Fees, Baby Billionaires, Rockstars, Zombies, Vampires, Wolves, Mermaids, Princesses, Kings.. YOU name it. I´ve been there, bought the t-shirt and waved good-bye.

Now I can add „ infected,sex-driven small town folks“ to my list.

Okay. Let´s work through this step by step:

  • Multiple genres. We have New Adult, Dystopian, Sci-Fi, Suspence, Thriller. Those stick out the most. Not a bad combo but there´s actually alot more that can´t be mentioned because the genre´s aren´t defined. I wouldn´t know under which category to put this read even if you paid me to do so.
  • The characters were transparent. It´s hard to appreciate a character when a reader cannot feel them on any level ( no matter what they are. Zombies not included ). They were mentioned and each figure had a role to play… yet none were strong enough to shine through.
  • The evil virus. Okay- I cannot imagine how hard it is to include something like that into a story but if you do then a reader needs a little more insight than having nothing to work with from the start. Just letting a character wake up in a trashed hotel room and adding more plot holes than depth won´t cut it.
  • The evil virus 2.0. Think Toxoplasmosis only more warped. The small town folk can spread the virus by having sex. There are then three stages a person goes through before they end ( however that may be ). Each stage brings a new level of hornyness. In the third stage people become numb and mindless and only want to hump.

Sounds interesting, right? Well, I think it does. It actually sounds like a warped fantasy from someone, but hey- to each is there own. If it weren´t for the plot holes inbetween then I´d say this would have been a positively unique story. ( Gotta have an open mind, people.)

  • The sexual drive caused by the parasite- And this is where the writer confuses me. Sex-drive? The subject has been touched in this read. It´s also been mentioned and shortly described. But there was alot more groping and and less graphic scenes than I thought there would be. Characters witness cars rocking back and forth by people who were having sex inside, etc.THAT may be a personal issue but it felt like I was cheated on.
  • It seems like there should have been romance in here. I have yet to find romance. ( said the romance reader)
  • The author notes between chapters: Okay. Here´s where I didn´t know if this was a joke or if the writer was being dead serious. Let´s say reading those notes was an experience I will hopefully soon forget.

You know, in the end of the day a story is still just a story and a writer can do as they please.

But when I see the writers numbers and see the little Wattys 2016 sticker on the book cover plus all the comments I truly believed I hit the jackpot.

The plain and simple truth is- This story wasn´t just wacko… it made me want to take a break from reading.

Also worth a mention:

  • choppy dialogue
  • super short chapters
  • many many chapters
  • little detail
  • no horror ( although added in the tags )
  • NO HORROR ( although the story is #2 in the Wattpads Horror list )

This could have been an amazing read. But it wasn´t. It was far from it.

The Cover – 5 stars ( To be fair- The cover is pretty. It almost looks exactly like my own cover for my review book. )

The Story – 1 star ( A true unique idea- poorly executed )

The Characters – 1 star ( No depth. No strength. They had no real purpose besides humping and running)

My emotional state after finishing this read Besides confused? I´m also not in the best of moods.

stars18

I´m giving `Dead In Bed` ( Book #1 ), by writer Bailey Simms / Adrian Birch 1 out of 5 stars

To read Dead In Bed all you need to do is click here. Keep an open mind and whatever you do….keep it together.