10 Most Bizarre Religious Book Titles

ATTENTION

This post includes religious content. What you are about to read contains explicit language, perhaps an unwelcome opinion and may not be suitable for an audience who takes religion far too seriously. In short: I have a thing or two to say so if you are religious and easily offended you´re welcome to leave in silence. You are not welcome to pray for me, though. 

 

Religion – What a touchy subject. People, pro religion and anti religion, are so opinionated and most will stop at nothing to try to convince the other of their truth. The truth is, though – We all just have to wait until we die to find out what the exact truth is.

In the meantime, Christians ( and other religions ) have done their best to “spread the word of God”. Although I´m an atheist I do ( despite popular belief ) respect religion. What I can´t respect are the book covers and titles for these religious books.

To say these gems are absurd would be an understatement.

 


 

#1  `Anyone Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice` – Lorraine Peterson

anyone can be cool

First Thought:    Oh for Christ´s sake.

Let´s Talk:    Here´s a quick life lesson: You become your own special type of cool and awesome when you´re older. In the meantime, read a science book.

 

 

 

#2    `Mommy Drinks Because You´re Bad` –  ?

mommy drinks because you´re bad

First Thought:    No. Mommy drinks to survive the day preserve her beauty.

Let´s Talk:   ( preparing a drink for myself ) Aside from the EXTREME high pedagogical value the title has- I´d say this book/booklet deserves to be bashed and the person who wrote this “Quality religious book for children” deserves to be tarred and feathered.

 

 

#3  `God´s Masturbation Solution`– Rev. M. L.  Brown D. D.,  D. C. L

god´s masterbation solution

First Thought:    There´s a solution?!

Let´s Talk:    Okay. Say you don´t like masturbation, or even the thought of it. Fine. But this book makes hands on hanky panky sound like a sin. Or, maybe God is sitting up on a cloud looking down at Egor thinking

“Okay, fine. If you can´t stop then I´ll give you some pointers on how to masturbate the catholic way.”

Perhaps God´s like: “You´re all doing it wrong! Left hand, people Left HAND.”

Or wait! I have another one!

I bet God´s advice would be to sit on your hand until it´s numb then start masturbating. That way, it´ll feel like you´re not touching yourself. Cheat the system, bro!

 

 

 

#4   `Helping The Retarded To Know God`

–  Hans R. Hahn

Helping the retarded to Know God

First Thought:  Fucking hell….

Let´s Talk:    Okay. I have my limits and they´ve just been reached. I had to check for publication date for this gem because I was positive no one in their right mind, not even the hardcore Christians, would be politically incorrect. Sure enough – Published 1969. All jokes aside… This is one of the reasons why I don´t like religion. I couldn´t really care less about the political correctness of the title… It´s more the fact that something like this exists in general.

 

 

 

#5    `Jogging With Jesus` –  C. S. Lovett

jogging with Jesus

First Thought:    Jesus doesn´t have to go everywhere with you.

Let´s Talk:    A life with Jesus can give comfort. A daily jog with Jesus can give you more comfort. I don´t jog, so I wouldn´t know.

 

 

 

#6    `Jesus Calling` –  Sarah Young

Jesus Calling 2

First Thought:   Don´t pick up!!

Let´s Talk:    It seems harmless, right? More the reason to dig deeper. 🙂 From my understanding the author claims to have received messages from Jesus and has written down what HE had said to her. She´s the “mouthpiece” so to speak. I don´t know about you but I find people who claim that ANY voice ( one that doesn´t belong to a solid form ) has spoken to them creepy as fuck. I swear, this makes Carol Anne from the 1982 Poltergeist movie seem less creepier.

 

 

 

 

#7     `Religious Gals Can Play Naughty Too!! `

–  Jamie M. Jones

Religious girls can

First Thought:  There was never a doubt in my mind * wink *

Let´s Talk:    I´m not sure if this was written for hopeful religious men or if it´s supposed to act as an invitation for non religious men. The “No Jezebel Here” made me laugh, though. That gives this whole weird thing a nice touch. What does the author consider to be naughty? Socks on? Socks off? Bra off? Lights on? Do I want to know?

 

 

 

#8    `The Beginner´s Guide To Sex In The Afterlife`

– David Staume

Sex

First Thought:   PRAISE THE LORD

Let´s Talk:   And all of the sudden religion doesn´t sound too bad ( just kidding ). I hope this is true. Would hate to miss out, you know?

Hold on a second…. With who would I be having sex with after life? Please don´t tell me I´d have to deal with afterlife dating, as well? Where´s the `Dating In The Afterlife` book? Is there an afterlife Tinder? A Ghost Anonymous program I can visit in case of a sexual emergency? DAVID!!!!!

 

 

 

 

#9    `How Should Christians Vote?` –  Tony Evans

How Should Christians Vote

First Thought:    Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and you shake it all about….You do the Christian Voting and you turn yourself around. That´s what it´s all a-bout.

Let´s Talk:    This is by far the most idiotic thing I´ve seen in a long shot. The description reveals that Christians shouldn´t ask themselves for WHO they should vote for, but rather ” equip you with solid biblical principles that will challenge you to vote with a “kingdom perspective”- informed, compassionate, and aware of Who is really in charge. ” 

 

 

 

 

#10    `Weekend With Jesus` – Michael Edwin Q.

weekend with Jesus

First Thought:    Did he bring any wine? He better have wine….

Let´s Talk:    It says in the description that this book is written in Christianese. But the title does suggest a wild house party with Jesus. What am I missing here? And why can´t Jesus start wearing Bermuda shorts?

 


 

On A Friendly Side Note:

Although I am not a friend of religion ( at all ) I will not ignore that there are a few religions that actually do good for the world we live in. This post was meant to enlighten and not bash on a specific religion for their extreme and often unexplainable beliefs.

 

Many thanks for taking your time to read this post. I hope you enjoyed ❤

Have a wonderful day,

much love,

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10 Amusing Romance / Erotica Covers & Titles

ATTENTION

What you are about to read contains sexual content, possible explicit language and other adult things. This post may not be suitable for visitors under 18. In short: Go away if you´re under age. 

 

A book is a book, no matter what´s inside or how the package looks like, right?

Said no book loving person EVER.

It´s no secret that romance / erotica books have the worst covers and sometimes even the most absurd titles. The only good part is you don´t have to go on an intensive book hunt when looking for a romantic or even an erotica novel. Because one can spot them from a mile away.

Covers for some romances and many erotica books have the unbelievable power to scream

 

“HERE! OVER HERE! WE OFFER SEX AND LOTS OF IT”

 

Is that a bad thing? It depends on the reader and what they´re looking for. But there are, without a doubt, horribly amusing book titles for the genre. Covers are one thing, titles another. Combine the two any you can have something explosive.

Would you like to know what I want? A romance novel that doesn´t have a cover image and title that states the obvious. I´d like for once to look at a cover and title without having an inner field trip.  I guess the book Gods think I´m asking for too much.

 

 

I might as well tell you I wouldn´t purchase any of these books based on the title and cover image ( unless they´ve been recommended by my trusted book chics ) Why? Get ready.


 

 

 

#1   `Filling Her Up` & `Knocking Her Up`- Jordan Marie & Jenika Snow

First Reaction:    Howling with laughter

First Thought:    I need a full tank and a baby.

Let´s Talk:   There is a positive side to all this. At least the stud muffins aren´t sporting any outdated tribal tattoos. That´s about all the positive I can come up with.

 

 

 

#2    `Hate Me` – L.P. Lovell

Hate Me

First Reaction:   WTF face

First Thought:    I´ll hate you with pleasure.

Let´s Talk:   Is that a rose in the background? A rose and a cigar smoking snuggle bunny begging to hate him? Is this supposed to change the color of my panties?

 

 

 

#3   `Don´t Look` –  Jessa Kane

 don´t look

First Reaction:    Confused

First Thought:    But how…. Oh nevermind. Just take your panties off. I´ll sniff you out.

Let´s Talk:   Okay, so the cover image is not too shabby. Pretty and coy cover model covering her boobs. The undies aren´t cutting off the blood flow… It´s a decent image. But the title and tagline? Does this mean there´s someone in the room who has to watch while Miss Shy Tits is getting down to business alone? I´m confused.

 

 

 

#4    `Prom King` –  Penny Wylder

 

Prom King

First Reaction:    HOWLING

First Thought:    That´s one fit High Schooler.

Let´s Talk:   You´ve got to be fucking kidding me with that cover and title. A 20- 30 yr old Prom King? Roses?! Rings? For fuck´s sake. I can´t stop laughing.

 

 

 

#5     ` UnScrew Me `  –  Hayley Faiman

unscrew me

First Reaction:    Uuhm…..

First Thought:    I have questions.

Let´s Talk:   Screw you = Fuck you. Screw Me = Fuck me. Let´s screw = Let´s fuck.

UnScrew me = ?  How does one unfuck someone? Unless the person is a bottle. Oh! Now I get it. Being a bottle is probably some hipster term for a lame person. “You bottle, you!” In that case, he can be unscrewed. Uhm, is oily Olly so hot that his mere presence causes things to burn in purple  flames?

 

 

 

#6    `Giving Her My Baby` –  Alexa Riley

Giving Her My baby

First Reaction:    Eye roll

First Thought:    Tell yourself that and you might believe it yourself one day.

Let´s Talk:    Judging by the look on the guy´s face he´s regretting the moment he didn´t “pull out” as the tagline so kindly states. I bet the guy is wishing she would have just swallowed.

 

 

 

#7   `Rubbed Raw` –  Bella Jeanisse

 

rubbed raw

First Reaction:    DYING from laughing so hard

First Thought:    I bet the drumsticks she used feel the same.

Let´s Talk:  Hands down- this is the most amusing title I´ve ever seen. Let´s ignore the half assed cover image for a second here. Rubbed raw? And the title for the second installment will be ” Plucking Splinters From The Beaver” including an unforgettable tagline “She couldn´t find a carrot.”

 

 

 

 

# 8    `Driving Whiskey Wild` –  Melissa Foster

driving whisky wild

First Reaction:     What the….

First Thought:     Don´t do it, Whiskey! Don´t jump!

Let´s Talk:    The cover model looks like he wants to commit suicide – With open pants. I assume it isn´t the author´s intention for her readers to think her character model is in so much misery but.. give me a fucking break. Either take em off or button up. Ain´t no one got time for an open button. It looks like he forgot to redo his pants after a quick wee.

 

 

#9    `Lick` –  Kylie Scott

 

lick

First Reaction ( in 2013 ):     Impressed

First Thought ( in 2013 ):     Someone gonna licky dicky in this one?

Let´s Talk:     Okay, so I actually read this one back when it was first published. Call it a sin done in my blogging beginner years. It´s a classic, though. To be honest- `Lick`wasn´t such a bad read. But the title has brought me so much joy over the years. To this day whenever one of my ex – co bloggers mention Kylie Scott I break out in a laughing fit and rename the book.

Come And Lick A Dick

Wanna Licky Dicky

Licks Away

Stage Lick

I can´t even remember if there was any oral going on in this book ( it´s been 7 years ) or if the head given was any good. But that title… and that brooding musician. Priceless.

 

 

 

#10    Decker´s Wood – Kirsty Dallas

decker´s wood

First Reaction:    Doing double take

First Thought:   I´m scared

Let´s Talk:    THIS is what happens when tribal tattoo guy puts a shirt on. He becomes Decker and has wood. I seriously can´t stop laughing. Can someone tell me if Decker is in the lumber business or if he just suffers from a permanent hard on?

 


 

On a lovely side note:

I have nothing against tribal tattoos. As much as I don´t want to admit it myself, I´ve been a victim of the tribal and tramp stamp tattoos. For those who have tribal / tramp stamp tattoos… I was simply pointing out that these body decorations are out of date ( as will rockabily / sailor / minimalistic tattoos will be in 3, 4, 5 years from now ) regardless how much you still like them ( or not ).
I am also a fan of roses of all colors and sizes.


 

Tell me- Which cover image / book title do you find the most amusing?

 

Many thanks to all who´ve read and appreciated this post. Sending you all my love. ❤

 

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One Book. Different Covers. ( Foreign Editions )

We´re slowly ( oh, ever so slowly ) moving in the direction I´ve been raving about all this time. Book cover discussions.

As weird as this may seem… I´m feeling more and more inclined to talk about the one thing that makes my heart explode with love or my blood pressure rise.

If you so happen to be new to this blog then you probably haven´t had the pleasure of finding out what my general opinion on book cover images / book cover art are. I´m sure none of you have scrolled that far back to search for my apocalyptic ideas and thoughts on certain covers. And that´s perfectly fine.

To save you time ( because I´m THAT extra ) I´l give you a quick bullet point rundown on what I prefer to see on a book cover ( not genre fixed )

  • non character images
  • bold color contrasts
  • large images
  •  non busy

As long as the book cover is an eye catcher in a positive way I´ll stop and take a look.

Now, we all know the saying `Never judge a book by it´s cover`. There isn´t a saying that´s more annoying to me than that one. Because of course (!!!) I judge a book by it´s cover. Who doesn´? It´s the first thing we see before reaching out for a book ( unless a book has been recommended and said person spoiled 1/3 of the story for me beforehand… in that case it´s then book purchase by recommendation ).

An eye catchy book cover is a silent invitation to take a closer look at a book. And when you like what you see you´ll take your time to check the book out and read the synopsis on the backside. It´s as simple as that.

To judge a book by it´s cover is okay. There´s no crime committed when saying a book cover has caught your attention. Because book covers are important!

With all this being said- I went on a book shopping spree the other day and noticed a few book covers that I haven´t seen before. Now, most of you probably figured out that I live in Germany, and that my german language skills are * cough cough * for shit. This also includes my reading skills. It takes me F.O.R.E.V.E.R to read a 200 page novel written in german. This is the reason why I´m Amazon´s best customer because I order all my english editions on there.

Back to the book shopping spree:

The book store I like to shop at does have a small aisle with english published books. Yes, the fantasy and horror corner takes up much of that aisle but that´s okay. I can live with that. It wasn´t until I was searching for books for the girls when I noticed the different cover images for the books I already have.

 

A Court Of Thorns And Roses by Sarah J. Maas. Now, while I wasn´t a fan of the cover ( or the story, for that matter review here) from the english edition, I did find myself drawn to the german cover. It just speaks to me more with its light cool colors.

This got me thinking…. What other book cover treasures were out there for the books I already have. I went on a foreign edition hunt…. and I was successful!

 

 

 

Cinder & Ella by Kelly Oram is a cute romance written for people who aren´t me but I must say that while I love the cover for the english edition ( left ) I´m not so sure what to think of the german edition ( right ). It´s plain and simple but… maybe too simple?

 

 

Yeah, not digging the english edition for Sarina Bowen´s The Ivy Years #1 but I do fancy the german cover. I blame it on the backside of the guy´s head in the left image. Uugh.

 

 

Love the color theme on the english edition for Monica Murphy´s Never Tear Us Apart ( Never #1 ) but I hate seeing the faces. The german edition, though…. Good Lawd, the orange bits on the cover reflect in a bronze tone and it´s just stunning. Would rather have the german cover on my shelf. * sigh *

 

 

This one rubs me the wrong way. The left image is the english edition for Slammed by Colleen Hoover. The cover image was perfect for when it was published. Now it´s outdated. The german edition ( right ) might be more trendy but it doesn´t really fit the story. I still prefer the german edition, though. Would look impressive on my bookshelf with all the other black outdated book covers.

 

 

Hands down, the english edition ( left ) of Maybe This Time by Jennifer Snow is nothing I´d ever purchase in a book store. Not with that cover. If only the book had the cover from the german edition….

 

So, there ya have it. One book. Different editions and covers. I can´t really say if the germans are far better at creating book covers but I can say that it´s nice to see what a difference a cover image can make.


Which book covers / forgein editions do you like or prefer?


 

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a lovely bookish day,

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Book Cover Trends: Part 1 ( Romance & Historical)

What´s a book cover trend?

As with fashion, a book cover trend is a fashion development which most authors/publishers like to follow. Why? Because what worked for book X surely works for other books, right? Wrong. WRONG. ( thinking about getting the crayons out to drive my point home)

As far as trends go- Not everything trendy is acceptable. In fact, many trendy book covers are either not fitting or they´re down right hideous.

Hence the reason why I will present to you the typical book cover trends! But more of that in a few.

Let´s have a quick chat about pretty and ugly book covers.

I walk away from an ugly book cover. Yeah, I know I shouldn´t. But who can blame me? If I find a book cover tacky, tasteless or even less appealing, then there will be no-show of grabby hands in a bookstore.

They say to never judge a book by it´s cover. I most certainly do.

Judging a book by it´s cover is the #1 way how I buy my books. Or maybe- it´s the #1 way I get interested in a book.

I like pretty things, especially book covers. But sadly enough- the pretty book covers aren´t the only ones noticeable. In fact- passing an ugly book cover is just as hard as it is walking by a pretty one. Some book covers are cringe worthy.. even hilarious. And if you have a vivid imagination then your mind comes up with all sorts of funny and rude stuff when seeing unbelievable cover images.

It´s not only about what´s hot and what´s not. For me, the major problem is how often I see certain book covers. Sometimes I see the same cover image only printed in different colors. It doesn´t take years of observation to notice a pattern. If you keep your eyes open then you can easily place book cover images to the matching genres.

Still, once in a blue moon I get surprised by authors / publishers. Sometimes I see an eye catchy book cover and do a double take in when realizing which genre the book belongs to.

Alas. Here are the different types of book cover trends. Ready?

Black Background & Random Object ( mostly Romance )

Remember the Twilight Saga? All 4 books? Black background with a random object that´s  possibly ( or not ) linked to the plot? Yeah. Those started off a wild fire in the book world. Before we knew it we were seeing black book covers with high in contrast colors. Black and red. Black and purple. Black background and a single shiny key. Black background and a dove….

blackbooks

Those covers aren´t really trendy anymore but they still work because they´re neutral. No one can say anything bad about a cover that has a black background and a random object on it, other than maybe that it´s out of style.

 

Don´t Have A Head But I Have A Great 90´s Tribal Tattoo ( Romance)

naked headless covers

Have you ever tried to bathe a cat before? All´s good with Mr. Cat until it realizes you want to give it a bath. It lashes out. Scratches the living daylights out of you. That´s how I feel when I see a book cover image that has a headless, well oiled, ripped bod. Was it THAT difficult to add a head? And what about the tats? They scream 90´s. Maybe they didn´t want their faces to be seen because someone might guess their age? Lol. It just doesn´t make sense to me. Perhaps they have a case of the shrinking heads as in the movie Beatlejuice? These covers make my Top List of Most Tacky Book Covers.´( especially book cover #3. There´s too much going on there. Tats, a suit on a hanger, the Eiffel Tower, the title…. no head. * holding breath *)

Speaking of headless…

Have You Met Mr. Suit? He Lost His Head As Well. ( Romance, YA, NA )

suit

Okay, fine. The right one has half a head. But still… The rest wasn´t important? I bet they, too, have tribal tattoos hidden under those fancy suits.  Oh, oh, oh! Remember the part where I said sometimes book covers don´t match the story? Storm and Silence is a Historical read set in the Victorian Era. Headless stud has a nice suit, though. This type of book cover is still popular among authors who write about baby millionaires and / or semi – asshole Heroes who have it all. Not really my cup of tea but I can live with the suits.

 

I Need Time To Think. Alone. But You Can Follow Me. ( Romance )

leave me

Also very popular. Women having a thoughtful moment out in the open. But I have to say- I prefer these over the headless dudes. The lady in book cover #3 either has a death wish or she´s one of the X-Men ( Just kidding. I read that book. Neither happens. I think a woman holding a bottle of wine ( to handle the drama) would have been a more suitable image). These covers will most likely stay around.

The Missing Heads From Heartbroken Men  ( Romance, Erotica, NA)

men

There they are! But it seems like #1 and #2 are suffering from headaches. #3 looks like he´s given up on life. The headless covers looked happier than this mess. Personally, I think these covers are cheesy and with my luck they´ll probably stay trendy until the end of time Fucking hope not )

I Wanna Hold Your Hand  ( Young Adult Books )

Now, Young Adult books are also divided into different categories, as well, with the main being Young Adult Fantasy and Young Adult Romance. Let´s focus on the cute and innocent YA Romance…. because it´s just SO innocent.

hold hands

Because, holding hands was a big issue back in the day. Remember those moments where you had butterflies flapping in your belly? No, neither can I. Lol.

Let´s move on to more expressive stuff……

The Book World Has Been In Darkness Long Enough.  ( Romance, NA, YA, Chicklit )

colors

A trend LOVED by many authors and publishers now. I get it. I can see the appeal. Colors are an eye catcher especially when splattered on a white background. But I also see this trend dying down pretty soon. These types of covers are my favorite, so far. Why? Because they don´t really state the obvious. The main focus is on the title. The colors are just a pretty bonus.

 

The Eye. ( All genres)

eye

Yeah, I know. Pretty cool. But I have to admit that it´s also pretty creepy.  This is a trend that´ll soon pass. Who knows… maybe in three years everyone will find noses sexy. Fingernails? How about feet?

 

Get A Room.  ( Romance, NA, Erotica )

These are the most spread out book covers out there. Couples making out. There´s nothing wrong with a couple making out in a cover image. At least that´s  a small guarantee that you´ll get to read a romance that involves sex, or making out. There is a 50% chance that´ll happen in those books. And if no bed sports happen then it´s false advertising. Anyhow – These covers might never go out of style no matter how tacky I think they are. Sex sells. Always will.

 

 

Hey Hey Hey! Go Easy On The Neck, Will Ya?  ( Historical )

These need to find rooms, too. I do love myself some good old-fashioned historical romance. But when I look at the HR book covers I end up having a laughing fit. neck

And when they´re done with their version of hanky panky the women like to present their cupcake dresses….

 

Look At My Dress  ( Historical Romance )

This looks like a page from an old clothing catalogue.

dress

See why I can´t keep in my laughs? I´d say Historical Romance covers are by far the most ridiculous and oh – so amusing. OH! We cannot forget our Scottish Fabio´s!

 

The Decapitation Of Scotland’s Fabio Lanzoni

Historical covers wouldn´t be the same if a Scottish HR didn´t have a buffed, headless bod wearing a kilt and holding a sword / dagger just for good measure.

scot

So you see… They´re everywhere and I see them going nowhere. They´re here for good.

How about we focus on a different territory?

Stay tuned. Book Cover Trends Part Two: Paranormal, Fantasy & Horror is on it´s way…

 

Book Covers- What Happened?

Book Covers

Book covers / cover images are the first thing we see when we look for books. Whether it´s while we´re scrolling through an online shop or simply combing the bookshelves in a bookstore- It´s always the cover that grabs our attention before anything else does. 

Let´s get one thing out of the way before I begin:

Book covers / images are a matter of taste. Everyone has a different idea on what is great or what´s eye catching.

Personally, I like book covers that hardly give away anything from the story. I believe a cover image should grab someones attention, not give the story away. A book cover has to make me stop dead in my tracks. I mean- it’s the first thing a reader sees, right? And if a reader doesn’t like the cover, how fat are chances the reader will buy the book unless they´ve been forced by a friend/family member to read the book? ( The power of recommendations. “It has a hideous cover but awesome story!” )

All this means- I judge a book by it´s cover. I know I shouldn´t. No one should, yet we all do it.

I love to see covers with lots of color / color clashes, unique symbols or anything that stands out ( eye catching, remember? ) Contrasts are also brilliant.

 I’m Amazon’s Costumer Of The Year. Alot of my hard earned money goes for books. I’m sure I’m not the only one with this devastating condition. But if you asked me about book covers then I’d have to say that maybe half of the books I own have decent covers and half from that half have AWESOME images.In other words- I find alot of book covers / images boring and sometimes questionable. 

While reading books from the Romance, New Adult, Young Adult, Erotica and even Horror genre, I’ve come to learn that each genre has their preferred book covers or colors.

Young Adult usually has some teenagers holding hands in a meadow ( colors are usually light ), New Adult covers are a bit more mature ( colors are more bold ), mostly showing some skin or a headless figure… you get the picture, right? We don´t really need to mention Horror covers because many of those covers are just down right brilliant. Creepy but cool.

Also, one has to see the difference between traditional published and self-published book covers. It most cases, self-published book covers / images aren´t done well. But then again- alot of traditional published books have horrible, tacky covers. I can’t really speak for trad-published authors because most of them don’t have a say in the matter. The publisher calls the shots and authors have no power over what cover will be used for their story. That all depends on the publisher and how tight the contract is. Some published authors are lucky and get to chose a cover image themselves. Very few have covers that are able to knock me out of my socks.

There are 2 types of book covers that do not grab my attention at all.  

  1. shaded, oiled torsos with tribal tattoos
  2. covers that look like every other cover

I can’t begin to tell you how many books I have that have black covers with some tiny animal, a key, a keyhole, pearls, diamonds or has some shadowed body parts on it. It’s a nightmare that will not end. 

It´s a trend, I get it. Still… It´s annoying. And when I see certain covers I immediately say to myself ” Uugh. Not again.”.

20161128_010727

( Those are only a few taken from my private bookshelf from only God knows how many )

Many would argue with me on the fact that black book covers aren´t an issue. They´re practical because they look good on a bookshelf, etc.  It truly isn´t an issue. It´s just nothing spectacular.

Then there are those covers with half naked, totally muscular, tribal tattooed, well oiled and well tanned, headless guys. In short- eye candy in it’s tackiest form. I stopped counting those covers because they’re endless. I know I know…sex sells and all that stuff…..but can’t someone stop this nonsense? Tribal tattoos went out of style a while back. Plus, I like guys who have a head. Hands can be sexy, too. Also-  I’m also not a huge fan of character covers, which is when the cover has a face on it. That ruins alot for me and I will ignore the book, risking the chance to read a fantabulous story. Why? Because a character image ruins my own personal image I like to create myself of a character. 

Another thing that brings my blood to boil is when there’s too much going on on a book cover. 

I once saw a cover that was in full color and had an oiled naked, tattooed bod, except- the lucky headless guy had arms and hands ( yay!) and those hands were holding a suit which hung from a coathanger ( I have never in my life seen a suit hanging from a hanger on a book cover before…NEVER) in the background stood the Eiffel Tower. The title- Caged. Can you imagine how confused I was? After taking all the images in I knew what the story was about. But the real question was- Was I interested in the story although I knew there was some godly guy in it, who was probably going to wear a suit at some point, paying the Eiffel Tower a visit? No, I wasn´t. Not even the coathanger was able to convice me.

My point- There´s no need to overload a book cover with dozens of images. That´s only confusing. 

Copying. It´s not a secret that many self-published authors like to copy. Which is fine. I´m the last person to point a finger at anyone in particular. Whatever works best for an author, right? Right. No wait- that´s wrong. Copying is wrong and often doesn´t work out well for an author who wants to make money. What worked for author A doesn´t necessarily have to work for author B. Many writers seem to forget that. 

What happened to self-published authors wanting to be original, standing out and making their book cover better than others? Any, if not all, want to make a living ( eventually ) off of writing, right?

I understand that cover designers are costy. And, yes. I´m aware of how prices are sky high. But they´re worth it. If an author finds a good, professional designer, and both communicate then nothing can go wrong. No one in the history of writing said it would be easy, or cheap. Unless writers don´t value quality and focus their attention more on their story. Then I´d say ” Whatever floats their boat.”.

Still, many don´t or are financially unable to take that path and invest in a cover designer. And if an author doesn´t have a clue what they´re doing when creating their own cover I´m 100% positive it will affect sales. Because, let´s face it- If I notice bad quality / a copied image then other readers will too.  There could be a chance people will ignore a not so great cover and read the story OR they´ll skip the book because of the cover. Who knows. I´m not an expert. But I´ve been watching this business for the last 10 years and can say that covers mean alot. 

I´m not out to ruin self-published authors. I´m not even out to diss traditional publishing houses for their often lack of taste in cover images. Just remember this before the next book hits the market:

1. Sex doesn´t always sell. ( Keep them well oiled studs in the late 90´s where they belong.)

2. Less is ALWAYS more. ( Be tasteful. Be creative. Be original. )

It may not be up to me to decide what cover image is acceptable for a book cover or not. After all- Cover images are a matter of taste.  But since I spend the majority of my money on books I can skip a cover that´s not original or won´t grab my attention.

My wish for the future? For writers to be more creative when deciding on a cover image. Or, invest in a designer. Although, I have seen a small inprovement in the past year ( see Colleen Hoover´s cover image for `Too Late`, for example. What a color explosion! ) so my hopes haven´t died completely.

( NOTE: A cover image alone won´t influence sales. Titles and excerpts play an important role as well. The cover is just what we see first.)