This post includes religious content. What you are about to read contains explicit language, perhaps an unwelcome opinion and may not be suitable for an audience who takes religion far too seriously. In short: I have a thing or two to say so if you are religious and easily offended you´re welcome to leave in silence. You are not welcome to pray for me, though.
Religion – What a touchy subject. People, pro religion and anti religion, are so opinionated and most will stop at nothing to try to convince the other of their truth. The truth is, though – We all just have to wait until we die to find out what the exact truth is.
In the meantime, Christians ( and other religions ) have done their best to “spread the word of God”. Although I´m an atheist I do ( despite popular belief ) respect religion. What I can´t respect are the book covers and titles for these religious books.
To say these gems are absurd would be an understatement.
#1 `Anyone Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice` – Lorraine Peterson
First Thought: Oh for Christ´s sake.
Let´s Talk: Here´s a quick life lesson: You become your own special type of cool and awesome when you´re older. In the meantime, read a science book.
#2 `Mommy Drinks Because You´re Bad` – ?
First Thought: No. Mommy drinks to
survive the day preserve her beauty.
Let´s Talk: ( preparing a drink for myself ) Aside from the EXTREME high pedagogical value the title has- I´d say this book/booklet deserves to be bashed and the person who wrote this “Quality religious book for children” deserves to be tarred and feathered.
#3 `God´s Masturbation Solution`– Rev. M. L. Brown D. D., D. C. L
First Thought: There´s a solution?!
Let´s Talk: Okay. Say you don´t like masturbation, or even the thought of it. Fine. But this book makes hands on hanky panky sound like a sin. Or, maybe God is sitting up on a cloud looking down at Egor thinking
“Okay, fine. If you can´t stop then I´ll give you some pointers on how to masturbate the catholic way.”
Perhaps God´s like: “You´re all doing it wrong! Left hand, people Left HAND.”
Or wait! I have another one!
I bet God´s advice would be to sit on your hand until it´s numb then start masturbating. That way, it´ll feel like you´re not touching yourself. Cheat the system, bro!
#4 `Helping The Retarded To Know God`
– Hans R. Hahn
First Thought: Fucking hell….
Let´s Talk: Okay. I have my limits and they´ve just been reached. I had to check for publication date for this gem because I was positive no one in their right mind, not even the hardcore Christians, would be politically incorrect. Sure enough – Published 1969. All jokes aside… This is one of the reasons why I don´t like religion. I couldn´t really care less about the political correctness of the title… It´s more the fact that something like this exists in general.
#5 `Jogging With Jesus` – C. S. Lovett
First Thought: Jesus doesn´t have to go everywhere with you.
Let´s Talk: A life with Jesus can give comfort. A daily jog with Jesus can give you more comfort. I don´t jog, so I wouldn´t know.
#6 `Jesus Calling` – Sarah Young
First Thought: Don´t pick up!!
Let´s Talk: It seems harmless, right? More the reason to dig deeper. 🙂 From my understanding the author claims to have received messages from Jesus and has written down what HE had said to her. She´s the “mouthpiece” so to speak. I don´t know about you but I find people who claim that ANY voice ( one that doesn´t belong to a solid form ) has spoken to them creepy as fuck. I swear, this makes Carol Anne from the 1982 Poltergeist movie seem less creepier.
#7 `Religious Gals Can Play Naughty Too!! `
– Jamie M. Jones
First Thought: There was never a doubt in my mind * wink *
Let´s Talk: I´m not sure if this was written for hopeful religious men or if it´s supposed to act as an invitation for non religious men. The “No Jezebel Here” made me laugh, though. That gives this whole weird thing a nice touch. What does the author consider to be naughty? Socks on? Socks off? Bra off? Lights on? Do I want to know?
#8 `The Beginner´s Guide To Sex In The Afterlife`
– David Staume
First Thought: PRAISE THE LORD
Let´s Talk: And all of the sudden religion doesn´t sound too bad ( just kidding ). I hope this is true. Would hate to miss out, you know?
Hold on a second…. With who would I be having sex with after life? Please don´t tell me I´d have to deal with afterlife dating, as well? Where´s the `Dating In The Afterlife` book? Is there an afterlife Tinder? A Ghost Anonymous program I can visit in case of a sexual emergency? DAVID!!!!!
#9 `How Should Christians Vote?` – Tony Evans
First Thought: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and you shake it all about….You do the Christian Voting and you turn yourself around. That´s what it´s all a-bout.
Let´s Talk: This is by far the most idiotic thing I´ve seen in a long shot. The description reveals that Christians shouldn´t ask themselves for WHO they should vote for, but rather ” equip you with solid biblical principles that will challenge you to vote with a “kingdom perspective”- informed, compassionate, and aware of Who is really in charge. ”
#10 `Weekend With Jesus` – Michael Edwin Q.
First Thought: Did he bring any wine? He better have wine….
Let´s Talk: It says in the description that this book is written in Christianese. But the title does suggest a wild house party with Jesus. What am I missing here? And why can´t Jesus start wearing Bermuda shorts?
On A Friendly Side Note:
Although I am not a friend of religion ( at all ) I will not ignore that there are a few religions that actually do good for the world we live in. This post was meant to enlighten and not bash on a specific religion for their extreme and often unexplainable beliefs.
Many thanks for taking your time to read this post. I hope you enjoyed ❤
Have a wonderful day,